What I Learned About Vampires from Twilight

Yes, I am prodigiously late having just watched Twilight and I suppose I must now watch New Moon. But nevertheless I have been educated in the world of Vampires according to Stephenie Myer.

1. White Vampires are pallid, Black Vampires are...Black. One notices the distinct ashen tone of all the white vampires in Twilight (which are all the vampires save the dreadlocked Laurent) apparently due to their avoidance, but not abhorrence, of sunlight. Laurent however, is a cool, dark shade of black. No sun deprivation there, and proof that a sweet shade don't fade and good black don't crack.

2. Vampires are pallid purely by choice...and stupidity. Unlike traditional vampire lore, Twilight vampires don't combust in sunlight, they just glisten with diamond studded sensuality. But the blinginess of their skin would make them the envy of the more flamboyant denizens of the gay community so they opt out. But why don't they just catch some sun when no ones looking? Maybe sun block will disguise the sparkly skin? Whatever the case, if they don't burn up in sunlight there's no good reason why they can't work on a much needed tan.

3. Vampire movie dreadlocks look real! Edi Gathegi's dreadlocks were fabulous unlike many movie manes (like those in Segal's Marked for Death for example). Can't say the same for his accent though, couldn't tell if he was from Abu Dhabi or Alpha Centauri. 

4. Dating A Vampire = Abstinence. Maybe a tacit object lesson sneaked in by Myer? But it is implied that Bella and Edward did not consummate their relationship in this first Vampiric instalment. In mid embrace Edward backs off afraid that in the throws of passion he might mistakenly eat Bella for a midnight snack. Understandable concern. They instead opt for emotional intimacy rather than physical. A commendable element no doubt completely overlooked by hormonal teenagers and menopausal cougars.

5. Only good looking people can become vampires. Yes, the Ugly Betty's of the world can rest assured that no one will come looking for their blood. Well, maybe their blood but not their eternal, torturous bloodlusty companionship. We all know that the standard of unobtainable beauty is perpetuated by Hollywood. Not only that but if enough people think someone is hot, mass hysteria takes over and even Jabba the Hut becomes world's sexiest...sentient blob of the year. Still secretly, I envy Pattinson's finely sculpted eyebrows. Rowwwrrrr! In the end, an ugly person (by what standard?) is the fast food of the vampire world - in abundant supply, you don't want to eat it, but it's there so you might as well.